“Kids say the darndest things”. Isn’t that how the saying goes? I think it should be, we all say and think stupid crap when we are young. My sister Kami and I like to get together and reminisce about the stupid stuff we used to say……well and do. Oh wow,  did we used to think some crazy things. For instance when me and Kami were  in our early teens, country music was Sunday appropriate music. They could be using cuss words in the song, or even singing about sex, drugs or alcohol but because of the way the music sounded it was deemed okay in our minds. Somehow we even managed convincing our Dad into agreeing with us, whom was and still is a very strict “Sunday appropriate Activity” guy. There were others…. but my worst I have got to say is when I declared very adamantly that I never wanted kids. None. Wasnt gonna have any. I couldn’t tell you how old I was when I said this, but if you ask my parents it was sometime in my teens. For some reason they continue to bring it up. Who knows why, maybe they can sense how much I am embarrassed about ever saying it. Because from the moment I first held Scott I went from wanting this one child I had, to wanting a houseful. I don’t know how many kids I was exactly planning. I just knew from that instant I wanted more. When Scott was about 1 Mark and I started talking about when we might want to have a second. We wanted them 2 years apart and the baby had to be born during the off-season. We ended up having Peyton when Scott was 2 years and 4 months old. They are a perfect age apart and I couldn’t be more happy with our planning. When I was pregnant with Peyton I had decided I wanted at least 3 maybe 4 kids total. That is a houseful for me. When I got diagnosed we were actually a few months away from trying to get pregnant to space out the 3rd the same 2yrs 4mo as the first two.

Sometimes things seem like coincidences, ya know timings and stuff and then you realize it was just part of Gods plan or perhaps fate if that is what you believe. If I hadn’t wanted to space out the 3rd the same exact distance or if I wasn’t such a super fan that I didn’t care if my baby was born during football season or if I wasnt being careful with my birth control I could be paralyzed or even dead right now. See one of the main reasons my Surgeon agreed to do the surgery is because I wanted more children and he said if I was to go through child-birth, there was a good chance just going through labor could put so much force on my spinal cord and stuff up there where it was squished ( he used medical terms I assure you) it could sever my spinal cord. Now if you remember the MRI’s showed that my Chiari was not nearly as bad as it really was. When he came in post op to tell me how bad it really was I immediately thought “Oh my, what if I would have gotten pregnant” I don’t mean to get religious on you or anything but I thanked the Lord right then and there. Sometimes your silliness, is for a reason people…..  Now after surgery they told me having kids was no problem. Even though there is about 5% chance I could pass on the Chiari. We were looking forward to it. I could not wait to get better so we could continue on with our family. We even looked into fostering  just in case my medications were going to cause a problem with me getting pregnant and because of that 5%. We took the classes and everything. I was one class away from graduating and getting certified. Then things started to go down hill again health wise. I started feeling worse and worse and realized I couldn’t even pass the state’s health exam to foster kids. Over the year following my surgery we came to the conclusion that there is just no way we can have anymore kids. Well at least I can’t.

Peyton a day old

Have you ever noticed that like a group of your friends or your family will all get pregnant at the same time? Ya um I have some cousins and a brother-in-law that is expecting as well as a few friends. One of my friends is a very close friend that even though we havent been in touch so much the last 10 years or so I love her dearly and couldn’t be more happy for her. I am just as equally happy for my 3 cousins. I mean that. I don’t know how to make it sound more sincere but to just plainly say it.  They are going to make such great Moms, even though the one has already been getting some practice in being a wonderful step mother.  The thing is they are all due within months of each other. Its going to be a hard summer for me. I’m not jealous of them I’m just depressed I’m not having a baby too, or even get a chance at ever having a baby again.

How do you accept something like that as a woman? I know I shouldn’t be greedy I have two wonderful boys but my family wasn’t complete. We werent finished yet. When Peyton was born I got a case of the baby blues. They lasted about a week and were not that bad. On one particular blue day I kept telling myself over and over remember how you are feeling now so you will not want another one. This is the last one. I do not want to go through this again. I feel so guilty thinking that now. I keep thinking maybe if I can go back in time and take it back maybe I can have another baby. Totally irrational I know, but I am a woman after all. 😉 The other day Mark sold the bassinet that Peyton slept in. It’s just been sitting in my office for like 3 1/2 years collecting dust taking up room, along with boxes and boxes of baby clothes, and countless other baby items. We have gotten rid of items from time to time and a lot of the stuff I have no problem with selling or giving away. The bassinet was different. I told Mark he could sell it. In my mind I totally didn’t care. It was in my office, in the way of all my Ute stuff, get it out of there. Then they came to pick it up. This cute couple, they were in their 20’s even had a little boy had to be no more than 2. Wasnt that how old Scott was when we bought this? They were so nice. Even commented on my annoying dog. Oh yeah we got him  just after Peyton was born. What is that in the bassinet? Oh that is a positioner thing to make sure baby stays laying on his back. “I’ve never heard of  those”  the Pregnant lady says.  Mark tells her she can have it, and because she has a 20 dollar bill he sells the bassinet to her for only $20 instead of $25 as listed on the ad. I think I may throw up. As Mark is getting ready to help them out to their car the husband ask his wife if she wants to carry part of the bassinet or the kid. She picks the kid. Of course you would you ballooned out thief, you wanna rub it in how easy it is for you to lift a 20lb boy and be pregnant. Typical. You probably jog on a treadmill every morning too.  As they leave I fantasize about chasing them down with my jeep and if absolutely necessary performing a PIT maneuver on them and obtaining my bassinet back. I need a place to stick all those foam fingers I have anyways. Totally irrational I know.

Scott "Checking" Peyton

Here is the thing though, how do you explain that to your family or even your self for that matter? I have  made it aware many times that I can’t have kids but I still hear the “you two better get going” and “when is it going to be your turn again” comments. Even if they are made by a perfect stranger on the a trax train they still sting and I don’t know how to respond.  For almost an entire year Scott was begging us for a baby sister. We would go to a store see a mom with a baby girl and he would ask me if we could take that one home. I think he understands now how sick I am and that I can’t give him another sibling but kids tend to be sensitive to things adults are not. Its bad enough to have some one not get that you can’t have any more children but when they are completely insensitive about it is a little more than I can take sometimes. Mark keeps pushing me to sell some of the baby clothes or get rid of them but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know how to tell him I just can’t, and I don’t want it done. I know I’m not having anymore babies but I don’t think my heart believes it yet, if it ever will.