Its hard enough being the woman in a marriage of 9 years, watching nature take its course. As a woman you have had babies you have gained a little weight while your husband has stayed the exact speciman of perfection he was the day you first layed eyes on him. Your #1 priority goes from yourself and your hunky husband to a fussy baby that has just spit up all over you for the 12th time and its only 10am. You go days without a shower, sometimes you dont even get dressed. Things between you and the once love of your life are more comfortable than Hot and Heavy. This is the life of any family starting out. And one day your kids are a bit older and dont need your constant attention and you would just give anything for your husband to look at you the way he used to when you first fell in love. So what do moms do when thier kids start preschool? They get back to going to the gym, they start showering on a regular basis ( I know sounds so gross that you wouldn’t but if you have had kids you understand), you put on makeup more often, and find a sitter on the weekend and go out and reconnect. You have paid your dues moms, its time you nurture your relationship again now that your little ones are not attached to you so much anymore. It seems so simple.
All I want is to be the girl he fell in love with again, but I am so far from that. Im 9 sizes bigger and can’t do thousands of things we used to do together. After we got back from the OBX and I was feeling very bad about myself Mark won 2 tickets to Strung Out. This is a band I fell head over heals in love with at the same time I fell desperately for Mark I wouldn’t want to miss one of their shows for anything. Seriously though we had just gotten back, I still hadn’t recovered from the trip, now I was going to a punk concert?!? I must be out of my mind! I didn’t care how much it hurt though, I wanted so desperately for my (maybe a pound gained in all these years) husband to see that I was that same girl, deep down inside, that he asked to marry over 10 years ago. I still love all the same bands I did before, excluding maybe 1 because of that one album, Mark knows the one. People change over the years, they add new likes and dislikes, and let me tell you as of late, when it comes to music put out recently me and Mark do not agree at all! This is probably harder for him than it is for me because like I have said before music is his passion. But he needn’t worry, I’m still that same girl. I just added Drake to Metallica, Taylor Swift to SUM 41.
I may be the same girl on the inside but its hard to hide my outside changes…..NO I’m not talking about my weight again but come on, a size 1 to a 10!? The guy seriously got suckered, jipped. Im saying I really couldn’t be going to a concert could I ? I mean a GA only concert Could I? I knew I shouldn’t, that I couldn’t, but I had something to prove DAMMIT! After such a lonley vacation I needed my husband to see his wife, not the disabled woman he was stuck taking care of, the woman that he has to push around in a wheelchair instead of holding her hand, the woman who spends more time in bed than out……. but his wife.
We had to wait 15 min to get in the door, standing outside the warehouse type building that the show was at. That is normally my limit. But I knew once we got inside there would be somewhere to sit down. I have been to so many venues, so many different punk/rock shows, they all have a bench, chair…….something to sit on, even if its in the bar area. This place was different. There was nothing. Not a single thing to sit on anywhere. We even walked the mile, and up the million stairs to the bar area to see if there was anything there. Nada. By the time we got up to the bar that over looked the stage I nearly fainted. I told Mark we had to go back down and just sit on the cement ground in the foyer. On the way back my left side was numb and I started dragging it. Mark asked “Are you gonna make it? You’re already limping” At this point none of the the two bands before our band were even on stage…..so I lied. I told him “Oh that? That is still from wearing so many flip flops, my feet are killing me.” We then went on to sit for the first band’s set. They were surprisingly very good and I could tell I was holding my husband back yet again, so I told him “Lets go see watch the rest of the set” More standing. I was so glad the next band was nothing I would voluntarily listen to (sorry Jazzy), so I stayed put on the ground. It was a good thing too because I was way beyond migraine and nauseous. I kept excusing myself to the ladies room to regain my composure.
Finally Strung Out was on. This was it. I didn’t care how long they played I was going to stand, clap and cheer until after they left the stage. It had been over 2 years since my last concert, coincidentally my last show was Strung Out as well. I noticed things were a lot different now. For instance, there is no moving to the beat of the music for me, no dancing, tappage of foot, headbanging (if this were a metal concert), nothing. I am barely standing. Furthermore I’ve never had a problem with mosh pits. Sure I don’t go get in them, (for the record I have been in one) but standing on the outside looking in never bothered me. If some jerk ran into the side of the circle too hard and I got knocked down no biggie, but um I cant take those risks anymore, not with a piece of my skull missing. So when one broke out near me I was gripped with fear. After Strung Out was done playing we immediately left even though there was one more band left, but I couldn’t stay for one more second. The girl my husband married would have stayed til the very end demanding an encore. I guess I failed at being that girl again, who knows maybe I don’t need to be. All I know is that I chalked it up to yet another failure and it ended up making me feel worse than making him see me the way I wanted him to see me.
Like I said its hard enough being the woman in a marriage of 9 years and watching nature take its course adding Chiari just makes one more thing difficult. I can’t get that extra weight off, nor can I take a shower every day or even get dressed everyday. Mark has looked drool worthy and more so every single year and he deserves to come home to a wife that looks her best and I haven’t looked mine for quite awhile. I’m moody, I’m in pain all the time, hell even being ‘intimate’ causes a migraine like you wouldn’t believe. It was silly for me to think I could turn back time but what else is a girl to do?
*I wanted to include some of Stung Out’s music but didn’t want it to be one of those blogs where you open it and it just plays music, some type that you might hate so here are a couple youtube links. First is my absloute favorite Strung Out song Satellite and the next is the acoustic version of a wonderful song either way Velvet Alley