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solitary

 

You called me again today. I didn’t answer, but I thought about it. You have sent me text messages to “just check in” everyday for weeks straight, only to get a reply once or twice. You invite me to come to dinner, hang out….anything, only to be ignored or turned down. When others have long ago given up on me, you haven’t. I don’t know what makes you continue to try, but it means so much to me. 

This past year has not been my greatest health wise. Although my physical health continues to be the forefront of my problems, this year my mental health has been at an all time low. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Neither of these are new to me as I have suffered from both to some degree for the majority of my life.  In this post from almost 2 years ago, I had mentioned that my depression was bad enough that I was seeking help. I assure you I am getting the help I need, however circumstances recently have had the opposite effect. Living where we live, having things not go right and as always my limited abilities have all piled up on me causing me to not be the friend or family member I used to be. 

A lot of days, the best I can do is just survive. Get through the day any way I can. My biggest accomplishment being, staying awake for longer than an hour straight or changing clothes. On those better days I might actually shower and spend time with my family. Every day is a new battle and I am fighting more than one army. When my phone rings I could be suffering from a migraine or other headache. I could be asleep from exhaustion. I might see your number and immediately freeze, a barrage of ‘what if’s’ hitting me all at once. “Is this going to be bad news? Are they mad at me? What do they need?”  There is also the chance the depression has it’s hold on me and I just can’t. I might want to but I can not convince myself to do it. These are not excuses, they are my explanations.

Aside from the things that are causing me to be unavailable to you, you should know that sometimes I am in fact straight up ignoring you. I am not doing it to be rude, I am protecting myself. I am simply not strong enough to deal with certain things. I have so much on my plate that I can not always handle someone else’s problems. There are people whom I used to be there for unconditionally. I would drop what I was doing to listen, assist or rescue them. Now I don’t talk to them. It isn’t because I don’t care about them anymore, or that I don’t want to be there for them. It is the opposite, I love these people so much, and would do anything I could for them. However I would crumble from the weight of their needs after one conversation. I have withdrawn from relationships that have any negative effect on me whatsoever. It might be selfish, but it is the only way I know. 

Depression has robbed my life from family and friends. I have missed out on special occasions, important moments and opportunities. Every day I am trying to claw my way back to who I used to be, praying that by the time I get there I haven’t lost everything. I miss so many of you and I wish it was a simple as answering the phone. For those of you that are constantly reminding me of your love for me, that have been understanding and refuse to give up; Thank You, you are the cat’s pajamas.

 

 

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